Tell a Vision

Back home I mule over a pack of Nate's walnut chocolate chip cookies and reminisce over the last time I took the Jitney to an amazing little town called East Hamptons. While scrolling through the Goat app looking at sneakers I get a text from a close friend Eddy. Our history goes way back to grade school. "What's up bro, just checking in" the message reads. He's a horticulturist and he and his wife and kids live back in North Carolina where we grew up. We've always been like brothers growing up. I contemplate moving back there a lot lately. I always looked up to him although he's younger than me. He was popular in school and even more popular with the ladies. I learned a lot from him about confidence. He says that I taught him how to be himself. We were a pair to be reckoned with back in the day. I still look up to him today longing for a family of my own. I have a jaded perception of what married life is though. The fulfillment we seek in this lifelong union seems to me to be somewhat fleeting. I have another married friend Thomas, he's a painter. He has been a great friend of mine for many years now. I like to think that I surround myself with people that I admire. Adults who have already made this commitment that I hope to one day make. As they say, you are the company you keep. Although my views of marriage may be cynical I understand that no marriage is perfect. There will be ups and downs as well as trials and tribulations. What I wonder is what is the thin line between accepting what you have and knowing you deserve better? I fear settling in complacency for the fear of possibly forever being alone. I refuse to accept falling victim to perfectionism. Choosing a life partner these days feels almost as daunting as voting in a corrupt system, either way, you lose. Before I begin to spiral out of control about options I don't even have, I put my tiger's eye spiritual beads on and turn to the television like I always do to distract my mind. I’m torn between watching Django or Princess and the Frog again, two of my favorite black fairy tale love stories. Instead, I chose another favorite, something a little more realistic. Whenever I feel down about my fabulously single life I watch Frida a well depicted true story. A beautiful portrayal of love, beauty, true inner strength, and another marriage gone awry. Not having to deal with the burden of car expenses for quite some time now I have been able to direct that expense elsewhere. Partially to my closet but the majority of it to save up for a down payment on my own home. I'm not sure that I even want to stay in Buckhead... but I don't know if I could see myself living in a multibedroom home on the ground floor surrounded by forest. Now that life as we know it has changed post-pandemic living in the woods would not be a terrible thing. If I'm gonna live Upstate I'm gonna need a car. I start looking at Jeep Grand Cherokees for a few minutes. Then I remember seeing a C Class Mercedes that I thought was absolutely beautiful... my phone vibrates. "Hey!" ... It's Thomas. I say "Hey!" Where single men have no respect for boundaries married men seem to have full respect for themselves and boundaries. There's a level of comfort when you are dealing with mature adults. "Wanna go for a walk?" "Sure" I replied.