Road Opener

The sun is shining today. I open up the windows as wide as I can letting all the natural light flood into my apartment. It’s about time I put some energy into writing this rough draft for my next book. I open up my Macbook and "Where Is The Love" by Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway starts playing mid-song from a YouTube page I left open... I remember I used to love this song until I started to actually ask the question, where had the love gone? Where is it? I quickly change the song and play Solange's album 'When I Get Home' I open up my email. A notification appears at the top of my screen, Harry Norman replied to my email of the headshots “This is awesome.” I’m happy to read their response. If it works for them it works for me. Another task off of my list. This also reminds me, I’ve been meaning to order more copies of my first book Mea Culpa. The other day at Starbucks, I bumped into Kevin, a former classmate of mine who is now a teacher. He asked me if I could speak to his students about being an author and publishing my first book. I don't feel worthy of the invitation but I appreciate the acknowledgment nonetheless. It feels like somewhat of an accomplishment but I have no idea what I'm going to say to his students. As a black youth, I can't say I wouldn't have appreciated just seeing someone brown saying anything about pursuing their dreams. I just hope he doesn't ask me to read any of my poetry. I didn’t realize at the time when I published this anthology that the book would immortalize the situation I wrote about forever. It's almost too painful to read because I relive those moments over and over again with every syllable. I've grown so far from that dark place that I almost don't recognize the material, as if it were from an alternate reality darker shadow self. I'm grateful to be a writer but I wasn't always one. I've had many careers and have worn many hats. I realize it's ok to not have it all figured out. I think to myself I should write that down and say that to the students... I've been using affirmations to keep gratitude front and center in my mind. My favorite one at the moment is "I am doing what's best for my highest good." Affirmations will change your life. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be to go for your dreams. The more you fail the more chances you have for success. With gratitude on my mind, I open a new document on pages, exhale, and begin to type... My mom text me to tell me my great aunt passed away... Death seems to be such a heavy reoccurring theme this year. I offer to buy her a ticket to go to the service. I can't go, I have to work. Completely stressed now I'm happy I have a massage later and I could use the decompression. When dealing with this crazy America that we live in sometimes my shoulders get tense and I get this horrible knot in my neck. Basically, when I'm stressed my shoulders tense up, and it's something else that I'm unlearning. I found that when I get a massage I can easily clear my mind and drop my shoulders. If physical touch was a person it would be me. It's honestly the only thing that eases my soul. I understand why it is my love language and also why I'm going crazy although I've only been single for 8 months. My inner monologue is unsure if that's a long time or not. It's Sunday so I routinely clean my apartment but today I have a candle I bought from Modern Mystic Shop in Ponce City Market. I feel compelled to do something with a little more meaning. A road opener candle that not only smells wonderful but comes with a charged crystal. I meditate on the road opener candle. What will the future hold for me... Will I ever get married... Like this crystal quartz in my candle, I enjoy transparency... Unfortunately, love is a game that I don't understand how to play. I feel it's easier to live with integrity when you live in your truth. Truth just like love should flow and be effortless, not calculated... I stare in the mirror. I'm intrigued by the aftermath of my haircut. I cut the color out but there are random strands of blonde still left from my experiment, they kinda look like gray hairs... I like it. I try to keep in mind I can always write to release the old energy and make room for new. Writing has always been a source of therapy for me. A great tactic to reflect and acknowledge growth. Having done all of these things on this new moon I hope to make room for something new.