Portuguese Love

I'm dreading this eight-hour trip back to New York City but we find our seats and I feel somewhat nostalgic. I cant read Remy. Initially, we sat together but our cart is empty so Remy grabbed a window seat directly across the aisle. He doesn't seem mad but I can tell something is on his mind. Perhaps I didn't do enough for his birthday. In my opinion, the trip turned out to be better than I expected. We saw so many sites, ate good food, and checked everything off Remy's list. Now we're taking the train back to New York, exactly how he wanted and we are blessed with amazing views. Followed by an amazing sunset as we cascade over bridges throughout Washington Heights at night over the water is quite magnificent as it reflects the city lights. Finally, we arrive and start walking down the New York City streets at night towards the docks to catch the ferry. All I can think of right now is I love this city. We board and I drift off to sleep. I wake up to Remy asleep on my shoulder and it's comforting to see he's right beside me. The boat is docking and we've finally almost arrived. Just one more shuttle to 117th street. I enjoy Remy but I wonder sometimes why he isn't happy with me. Am I that disconnected to not understand I'm not doing enough... or is it just me being perceived as unavailable which I'm all too familiar with. I made love to him the other night not because I felt insatiable about him like I usually do but because I knew that if I didn't I would have to pay the price for it. His needs not being met takes a blow to my self-esteem but then I remember prior spouses who were more than content... Thanks to one past lover in particular who was passionate about drawing hearts on the calendar whenever we made love, I know exactly how often I crave it. On average three to four times a week, twice a day on vactions. My Taurus mars is pretty consistent. I don't even understand where all the complaining is from. He has the luxury of working from home and making his schedule and in the bedroom I'm the one doing all of the work, not to mention I work a full-time job and commute over an hour one way. Where is my fulfillment? Where is my insatiable concubine to save my tired heart? No matter how close I get to anyone I still feel alone and no matter how much time passes I still miss my grandmother so much. Maybe he senses that. Trust seems to be a reoccurring issue between him and I. Remy confides in me that he hasn't been in a relationship for the past ten years. I question his honesty. It just makes me wonder, what was he doing all this time then? What are we even doing? I missed a text from my mom making sure she will see me at my cousin's house for dinner. I'm ecstatic to go and be around my family. It's not often that we are all in the same city and available to break bread but I don't want to bring Remy and I'm not sure how to tell him. To be honest, he has a right not to trust me.